Clutching Sanity
by letsjustplaypretend
Summary: Clare's endured some major emotional damage that Eli has had to witness all within one night. Can Clare overcome her problems? More importantly, can one summer bring two lovers back together? Or is this definitely the end of the love they once shared?
1. Safe Haven

Hey guys! So I don't think anyone is even going to read this..but whatever. I'm enjoying writing it so that's all that matters really. This story is starting during the summer after Drop the World. I'm assuming spring break concluded in late March by the way~ Enjoy!

Clare's POV

Tears were streaming down my face, leaving a feeling of self hatred behind. I should have never trusted him; ran into a relationship so quickly. "Clare I'll wait as long as you need," my ass. He was a liar and his actions tonight shattered anything I ever thought we had. Every memory of us was flooding my brain. I could sense his touch all over my body, leaving a tingling, burning sensation all over my skin. I needed to get away. Run away from my broken reality and into the safe haven I so eagerly craved. I felt dirty in my own skin, I wanted to peal it back bit by bit until I finally felt like myself again. But…I knew..I knew that would _never_ happen. Not after the way he touched me all those times. Not after tonight, when he ultimately showed his true self. The events of the past hour slowly trespassed in my mind and I cringed slightly..

"Mhhmm," he breathed, "Clare.."

"Hmm?" I gasped as his hands slowly slid their way down my back to my butt and he squeezed roughly. I began to place butterfly kisses down his bare chest, running my fingertips down his sides. I could feel his muscles squirm to my touch and I smiled to myself, feeling accomplished. He then released his grip on my butt and brought a finger to my chin, leading my lips up to meet his as he quickly brought them together. He immediately deepened the kiss by running his tongue along my bottom lip, begging for entrance. I agreed and our tongues began to battle for dominance, leaving me flustered all the while. He let his hands run down to the hem of my shirt as his fingertips brushed the skin that was already showing sending a shock of electricity through my body. He then bunched the shirt up and began pulling it upwards; we pulled our lips away for a second so he could continue his mission and pull my shirt up and over my head. He tossed the fabric to the floor and we went at it. I began to bite and suck at the sensitive part of his neck, causing him to moan out in pleasure. His hands searched my body frantically and when his fingers began to fight with the clasp on my bra making it come undone a gasp escaped my lips. I could feel my cheeks explode with a crimson red as I pushed him away and grabbed my chest. "What the _hell_ was that?" I spat, standing up and re-clasping my bra.

He sighed," It's our fourth month anniversary Clare, I was thinking you know…the way you were looking at me at dinner, and touching me I figured.."

"You figured I'd have sex with you? I'm not some whore Jake, I was being flirtatious! It's only been _four_ months and you know I'm waiting until I'm married to have sex! We've had this talk before remember?"

"Then stop being a fucking tease, okay?" he snapped.

"Get. Out. Now." I spoke trying to keep the tears from falling.

"This is _my_ house! Remember?" he laughed hoarsely. He slowly got up off the bed and made his way over to me. "Just let me make you feel good, Clare," he whispered sending chills down my spine. His hand reached out to touch me but I swatted it away.

"No. I'm leaving," I rushed over to grab my shirt off the floor but Jake beat me to it and snatched it up before I even got the chance.

"No you're not," he began walking towards me again and I inched backwards knocking into his desk.

"Give me my shirt now, Jake." He kept coming closer and I was cornered shirtless with nowhere to run. His toes met the tips of mine and he pulled me to his chest. I struggled out of his embrace but his grip wouldn't loosen.

"Let me love you Clare," he began kissing down my neck and my hart beat quickened as fear ran through my veins. "Just let me love you."

I brought my hand up and slapped it down against his head, "Get away from me and give me my shirt!"

"Oh, so now you want to get fucking physical!" he shouted bringing his arms to my knees and picking me up.

"Jake! Let me go!" I squeaked out as he dropped me aggressively against his bed. His held my wrists and put them above my head as I kicked my legs around so he couldn't plant himself in between them. "Jake! Stop!" His lips pressed against my neck and made their way down to my chest hungrily as he placed his legs on either side of my body and pressed himself against me. I began to give up as an idea suddenly hit me. I stopped struggling as he kept moving against my most sensitive area making anger erupt throughout me. As fear shook me to the core I decided to get my idea going. I slowly started to bring my leg up from its lying position. "Kiss me," I whispered bringing my face to meet his.

"That's what I'm talking about," he breathed against my lips and then crushed them together. I quickly brought my legs up further so that he would get the idea and settle himself in between them, and that's exactly what he did. I then brought my knee up to a full erect position as Jake deepened the kiss. As he got lost in the kiss I brought my foot to his chest and pushed him off forcefully making him groan out in pain.

"You bitch!" he hissed.

I rushed to get up out of the bed and ran over to his door fiddling with the lock, "Fuck you, Jake! We're over!" I shouted as I exited his room. I made my way to his living room to fetch my jean jacket, cell phone and house keys that I had left down there when Jake and I had started to get intimate. I soon remembered that I had forgotten to grab my shirt. I let that thought slip from my mind as I glanced at the heels I had worn to dinner earlier deciding to leave them behind. I quickly opened his front door and sprinted away from his home. I made my way down his street in record time as I decided to finally slow down. I slipped my arms through my jacket and buttoned each button up to try and cover myself as much as I could. The last button wasn't high enough to cover my cleavage and the tears finally began to fall. I silently thanked God that it was passed midnight and no one had seen me rush out of Jake's house half naked but that didn't help the fact that I most certainly looked like some whore walking around searching for business.

Here I was walking around forcing myself not to go home. I couldn't be alone in my room, let alone my house right now. It reminded me of Jake too much. Plus no one was even home. My mom had gone on a month long church retreat with Jake's father and my dad was off vacationing in New York. My sobs began to come out faster now and I just wanted a place to sit down and clear my thoughts. I picked my head up and looked over to the street sign. _Oh. Wow. _I was ecstatic that I was only about a block away from the abandoned church Eli and I had found all those months ago on one of our "urban adventures" as we would call them. I began to walk in the direction of the church and the tears kept falling as I thought about Eli. I didn't think of him much as whenever I did I would break down and cry until I couldn't anymore. I had screwed up big time and he wouldn't talk to me. He could barely even look at me and when we did talk it was because I had forced him to. He was better now, Adam reassured me of that every time I spoke to him. Eli had even tried to move on with Imogen, a girl that fit his persona perfectly, but from what Adam had told me that didn't end up working out. As my thoughts wrapped around missing Eli my feet carried me faster towards the safe haven I was craving. I rounded the corner and the chain link fence came into my view. I ran faster flinging myself at the fence and rushing to open the gate and letting it slam back with a loud bang. My cries were extremely loud now as I didn't care anymore, knowing I was in a secluded area alone. I made my way to the crumbling stone and let myself fall down to a sitting position. I soon felt a piercing pain in my left foot and I used my cell phone to examine what might be wrong. I gasped when I noticed there was blood all over the bottom but I couldn't seem to find the reason for it. I shimmied my skirt down a bit so I could use the end to clean it but as soon as I wiped the first bit of blood away I heard the gate crash back and I quickly shut my phone and limped over to hide behind what was left of one of the walls. _ Who the hell would be here this late at night? It's almost 2 in the morning?_ I thought to myself extremely confused with who would travel here so late at night. I slid a bit from the spot I was standing to check if anyone was actually here and sure enough there stood a person setting down a blanket on the steps. They held a lantern but soon set it down along with their self. Their head was bowed so I couldn't see their facial features as they faced the wall holding a journal of some type. Their hands slid behind them to get something- a backpack- and then they proceeded to take out headphones I assumed to listen to music. They slowly began to raise their head as they put the headphones on and I gasped in awe as I realized who it was.

"Hello?" his voice spoke out. I accidently dropped my phone and shuffled quickly to kneel, grab it, and get back up as silently as I could. "Jesus, Eli, calm the fuck down. Who would be here this late.." he softly calmed himself aloud. His hand then went to the journal to begin gliding it against the page. I just kept staring at him as he wrote. He looked so peaceful sitting there. Vulnerable even. I felt this yearning in my chest telling me to go and have myself be noticed by him but I couldn't. Tears were still silently, streaming down my face and I didn't want him to see me so torn apart when over the past few months he had seen nothing but happy, strong me. I never wanted anyone to see me like this, ever. As the minutes flew by I finally halfheartedly decided I needed to let him be alone and I needed to go home. I silently slipped from my spot behind the wall and turned around to face the opposite end of the woods. Taking the long way around to the gate was the only way I could leave without being noticed, so it needed to be done. My heart craved for one more glance at Eli so I swiftly turned back to where he was settled but I was shocked to see only his journal planted in the middle and Eli nowhere to be found. "What the…" I whispered to myself as I turned back to the woods only to be face to face with Eli.

Eli's POV

I had been spending most of my nights this entire summer so far at the abandoned church, seeing as I could never sleep. There was something about this place that calmed me and helped me cope with all the pain I was still in. It has been four months since _she_ had moved on and I was left all alone but lately I had been slowly letting her go. I had one year left at Degrassi and then I was off to college away from _her_ and away from my past that would not stop haunting me. As my thoughts drifted away from thinking of her, I walked towards the crumbling stone and noticed a very dim light. With the blink of an eye it was gone and I was left confused. _Who the hell would be here, this late? I must be seeing things, again._ I thought to myself deciding to keep my guard up just in case there was someone out there hiding in the shadows. I reached the steps and began setting my things up. I plopped down on the blanket and set my journal on my lap but that's when I knew someone was here. I had heard a sharp intake of breath and shuffling of feet. Whoever was trying to keep their self hidden was sure as hell doing a horrible job at it. "Hello?" I sighed, "Jesus, Eli, calm the fuck down. Who would be here this late.." I questioned myself to throw my mystery person off track. To make them fall into my trap I continued putting my headphones on to make it look like I was listening to music. The only problem was I never hit play. I silently wrote my thoughts down as I kept an eye out for any move from mystery person but after twenty minutes of waiting for them to do something I grew very impatient. Someone was out there watching me and I didn't like that at all, not one bit. _What the hell are they waiting for..?_ I thought to myself. I soon heard more shuffling of feet and cocked my head to the side to see if I could notice anything out of the ordinary and sure enough I saw something that shocked me immensely. I was looking at the calves of my mystery person, my eyes wandered up and soon my heart beat quickened. There was blood splattered at the end of what looked like the hem of a girls skirt. _Shit. They're hurt..What the hell am I supposed to do? Just let her wander around all cut up? _ I silently got up and moved more to get a better view. Thankfully their back was facing me so I took the chance and devided to sneak up on her from behind. I made my way around the stone walls and soon enough was right behind her as she watched the lantern I had brought flicker.

"What the…" her voice shook as she abruptly turned around, flabbergasted to be in my presence. I quickly put my hand over her mouth and with my other picked her up with ease and rushed her over to the light so I could finally know her identity. She didn't struggle as we hit the light but the minute my eyes met hers shock flooded through my body and I dropped her at once. I backed up a bit overly surprised by who it was that had been watching me this whole time. We both just stayed there in silence for a few minutes staring at each other. I noticed mascara streaks were running down her face, tears still flowing from her eyes. Her hair was sticking up all over the place, the lavender skirt she wore was in fact splattered with the blood I had noticed earlier, and her feet were all scrapped up and covered in dirt. She was strangely wearing a jean jacket that for the girl I once knew showed off way too much for her to feel comfortable. And as I looked up and into her eyes, pain was flooding through them. "C -Clare…." I spoke.

"Yeah..?" she chocked out. I slowly went over to her but stopped when she took a step backwards, not wanting to make her scared of my presence.

"Why a- um are you out here so late? And um..why do you look..uh..like that?" I motioned my hand to her and her head drooped to look at the ground.

"I-I..um..I..me..and..um me and.." she tried to speak but her tears were swallowing her words whole.

"Umm..do you want some help? I mean there's blood all over your foot and in all honesty you look like you could use the help.." I spoke, pain and curiosity lingering on the ends of my words. I didn't want to come off as overbearing and scare her away but all I wanted to do was scoop her up in my arms and take care of her- make her feel better again. Clare then turned her back to me.

"I-I'm sorry..for everything.." she whispered and then began running towards the gate. I didn't wait a moment to run after her. She was not walking home looking like that and in pain. Not on my watch. I caught up to her rather quickly as she was rushing through the gate. She then tripped over something and landed her self on the hard concrete. "Shit!" she cried out in pain, her sobs becoming violent now.

I ran over to her and bent down next to her but she began to crawl away from my touch. "Oh no you don't," I spoke picking her up into my arms.

"P-Put me down Eli," she cried.

"Just let me help you, please? I promise I won't hurt you. I promise," I breathed out, looking down into her eyes. She then nodded and grasped onto my shirt crying into me. I carried her over to Cece's car and opened the passenger door. As I began to slip her into the seat she whispered,

"No. Don't leave me. Please?"

Her words made my heart ache in pain not wanting to upset her anymore than she already was, "Clare, I won't. I promise. I just need to gather up my things and I promise I'll be right back. Then I'll take you home. I promise."

"No. I can't go home Eli. Please don't make me- I- I can't!" she sobbed.

"Okay, you won't. I'll take you to my house okay? Just wait here just a second, okay? I promise I'll be back in a minute," she nodded. I rushed away and to my things as rapidly as I could. The minute I got back and opened the car door she was up and out of her seat crawling over to sit in my lap. She soon bundled her fists up with the fabric of my shirt and I smoothed out her curls. "Shhh, it's okay. Everything is okay, you're safe now." She kept crying but I put the key in the ignition and started on our way back to my home. By the time we made it back to my house her sobs had slowed but she still wasn't asleep. "Clare, we're here now. I'm going to pick you up now okay?" I whispered into her ear making her shudder. She nodded in reply and I lifter her up and into my arms shutting the drivers door with my foot. She once again dug her face into my shirt and wrapped her fists around the fabric. I soon pushed the front door open, quietly sliding through wishing no one would be awake. To my surprise Cece was sitting on the arm of the couch her arms folded against her chest. As I began to open my mouth to speak she rushed over asking me what had happened and why Clare looked so torn up.

"Eli..she looks like someone tried to.." her words drifted off into silence.

"I know Mom, I know. I have no time to explain I really want to get her upstairs and into bed so she can just rest," my voice shook as I spoke, tears slowly brimming the edges of my eyes. "Can I borrow some clothes for her to sleep in? I want her to feel comfortable," I spoke while making my way up the stairs to my room.

"Sure honey, " she replied rushing to her room as well.

Tears were now falling freely down my face as I looked at the fragile girl in my arms. "I'm so sorry Clare. I'm sorry," I whispered. I sat her down on my bed and she curled into a ball, wrapping her arms around her knees. Ceve then entered, a distraught look on her face. She handed me the clothes and wrapped me up into a hug.

"Eli, she'll be fine. You saved her, just let her rest, and you get some rest too okay babyboy," she kissed my forehead and tip-toed out of my room.

"Thanks Mom," I spoke, though she had already left. I walked over to my bed and kneeled down so I could look Clare in the eyes, "Clare, I don't know if you're fully awake but I have some clothes that might make you feel a little more comfortable.. " she shook her had slowly and sat up. I reached my hand out to hand her the clothes and she willingly took them into her palm. She began to stand up and I backed away and turned around to give her some privacy. I soon heard her sobs once more and turned around to see she had fallen back against my bed. I knew she needed help..I need to..But..

"C-Clare..do you want me to help?" I cautiously asked. She shook her head yes in response and I sauntered over to her as she undid the buttons on her jacket. My eyes went wide the moment I noticed she was only wearing a bra underneath and my mind began racing with the worst thing that could possibly of happened to her. I could feel my hands clutch into fists as anger rose throughout my body. She began to struggle with getting her arms out of the sleeves so I helped pull it off, and through it onto the chair near my closet. I then grabbed the t-shirt from the bed, she rose her arms and I then slid it down and over her body. She then proceeded to shimmy her skirt down to here mid thigh and winced when she tried pulling it down further. "I-I got it," I spoke reaching for the fabric and pulling it down. I took the sweatpants my mom had brought into my hand and bunched the fabric up so it would go up her legs. As I got to her knees I was going to let go put she put her hands on top of mine and together we slid the fabric up. She then sighed and the tears began to fall again, I kneeled next to the bed. "Shhh- no more crying okay? You're safe here. So please, please do not cry." She then laid down again, curling into a ball once more and looked up into my eyes. "I'll be right back okay?" She nodded. I rushed to my dresser, grabbed some clothes, and walked to the bathroom to change. When I re-entered the room there she was still in a ball. She patted the spot next to her on the bed and my brows knit in confusion. I was not planning on sleeping in my bed with her. "Uh- No, no it's okay. I was just going to sleep on the couch downstairs…" I rambled on.

"No, please," she asked. I quickly walked over and plucked the covers up a slight smile forming on her lips.

"Here get under," I muttered. She listened and I went to turn the light off. I then proceeded in getting under the covers as well. "A-are you sure?" I asked. She didn't respond verbally, but she then planted her head on my chest, hanging onto the fabric, so I took that as a yes and wrapped my arm around her waist. I could feel my shirt become a little damp and I knew she was crying again, "Shhhh- It's okay. I'm here. Shhh," I repeated over and over again until her cries stopped altogether and I could hear her breathing steady. I brought her closer to me and tucked the blanket around her more tightly as she drifted farther into her sleep. "I miss you.." I whispered, kissing her auburn curls once more and slowly letting my eyes close so I could enjoy this moment while it lasted.


	2. Trust In Me

Wow. I didn't think anyone would even read this but a few did! Thanks for the reviews guys, I hope you enjoy(:

Clare's POV

I could feel his breath on my neck, his grip on my wrists, but more importantly I could sense his overbearing demeanor.

"Showtime, Baby," he whispered while slowly slipping my skirt down and off my body….

"STOP!" My eyes flashed open and I began to take in my surroundings. _Where am I? _ I began to blink rapidly, bringing my hands to my eyes to wipe away the sleep that lingered. Soon I could sense the tears lining up against my lids and I shook my head in despair.

"Sorry…" someone spoke softly. My eyes focused on the foot of the bed where a figure stood, their head bowed. "I was just cleaning up your foot, seeing as it looked pretty bad last night.. I didn't want you waking up in any pain.." they sighed, "Guess that mission wasn't accomplished." They then picked up their head.

"Eli…?" I gasped. _Why was he here? Where am I? Does he know..?_ Then it all came flooding back to me. The encounter with Jake, running to the abandoned church, seeing Eli, him taking me to his home. I couldn't take it anymore. Sobs began to slip from my lips, and I bowed my head in shame. I brought my knees to my chest and just let the tears fall. Eli immediately rushed over, climbing into the bed and taking me into a tight hold. I took advantage of our position and slipped into his lap, gripping the collar of his shirt wanting to be as close to him as I could. My vulnerabilities were taking over me but I didn't care. Eli was here, taking care of me. Caring for _me_ and I sure as hell wasn't going to lose this moment. I needed him right now. "I-I'm s-sorry E-Eli.. I shouldn't b-be here a-and," I began but he soon cut me off,

"Don't you even dare apologize. You did nothing wrong, just _please_ stop crying. You'll get a headache, I promise that you're safe here and I won't let _anyone or anything_ come near you to hurt you, okay? You're safe," he rubbed circles on my back hoping to calm me but the tears just kept coming.

"I-I can't s-stop c-crying, all the i-images in m-my head a-are, they just won't go away!" I cried holding onto him tighter and pressing my head into the crook of his neck.

"Look at me." He put his hand on either side of my head forcing me to face him, but I averted my eyes away from his not wanting him to see the fear within me. The fear I just couldn't shake off. It was as if it were a parasite crawling up my skin and killing me every second it traced my body. "Clare, look at me."

I finally brought my eyes to meet his and I was shocked to see how drained he looked. Not just physically, but emotionally too. He had bags under his eyes, and I could see the tears slowly trickling down to his chin. I could sense the worry in his eyes, it was basically radiating off his body.

"D-Don't cry," I stuttered out, looking him dead in the eye. I brought my fingers to his cheeks and wiped away the tears that had already fallen. At this gesture, he removed his hands from my face and slight smirk emerged on his lips.

He chuckled slowly, pain lingering in the air, "I won't, if you won't."

"D-Deal," I breathed. I brought my hands to the collar of my own shirt and used it to wipe away the water that had poured from my eyes.

"Thanks for the clothes.." I spoke breaking the trance the two of us had been sitting in.

"Anytime, I wanted you to be comfortable while sleeping," he slowly began, "Do you want me to get you something to eat? I bet you're starving, it's already three in the afternoon."

"What?" I gasped quickly scrambling to my feet and out of his lap.

"Clare, you had a rough night, I'm sure your parents will understand if you're home a little later then you had originally planned.." his words drifted off as our eyes connected.

"N-no. My parents aren't even in town."

"What? Then..where are you staying?"

"At home.," I crossed my arms over my chest and looked down at my apparel. He had given me a pair of my favorite sweats of his. Whenever I would come over for movie nights, or just wanted to wear something of his to bed, he'd always give me these. A smile slowly graced my lips as I picked my head back up. He had remembered.. but..

"Your house is way more than a mile away from that church. Why.. why were you even out that late at night?"

"You remembered."

"W-What? I remembered what?"

"The sweats."

"Oh, my Mom probably just figured you'd want something familiar. But, wait. Answer my question."

My heart dropped at this statement. "It's a long story..," I spoke, letting my head face the hardwood, my fingers fumbling with the hem of the shirt.

"I have time. But, let's just get you something to eat, and then we'll talk?" he asked.

"Um..yeah. Sure," I replied. _Would I really tell him? He'd probably be so ashamed that I would even put myself in a position like that. He'd be disgusted. How could we ever be friends after I tell him what happened? How could he forgive me after how horrible I was to him at the end of the school year? He hated me._

"You okay?" he glided over to me.

"Not really, but better I guess.." I pushed my thoughts to the back of my mind.

"Let's…just.. get something in your stomach. Food will make you feel better, _trust _me."

"I do," I whispered as he motioned for me to go over to the door. I walked towards it but my nerves were on fire. I could feel my hands shaking as I opened it. Once out of the room, my feet planted themselves not wanting to move an inch closer to his kitchen. I brought my right hand to my face examining the shaking but it was soon pulled away from my face and placed in Eli's. He tugged a little, encouraging me to keep moving. I agreed and gripped his hand tighter as we made our way to the kitchen. My heartbeat quickened as we finally stepped onto the tile, my feet gliding over the smooth surface. He soon began to break away from our grasp on each others hands but I just gripped his harder signaling a reaction out of him I wasn't expecting. He turned around to face me and brought me extremely close,

"So..What would you like to eat?" I smile spread upon his face but I knew, oh I _knew_ he was trying to hide his true feelings. His eyes were saying it all, so I smiled.

"Any-" I began but was quickly cut off . I abruptly slid my arms around Eli's waist and hid my head in his chest. I wasn't ready to face his Mom. Not after last night.. Not after all those months ago..

"Eli! You down- Oh hey baby girl, I didn't know if you'd be awake by now," Cece murmured. I didn't budge from my hold on Eli and he soon whispered in my ear,

"She doesn't hate you, trust me. It's okay she wants to help, just like me." At his words I broke our grip and turned around to face his mother, still extremely close to his body. His arms soon slid to hold me from behind and I smiled at this gesture, he knew all the right things to do when I was nervous. My heart fluttered as I brought my hands up to hold his around my waist.

"Hey, Cece," I smiled.

"You hungry? I just went to the store to pick up all your favorites. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Which would you prefer I make now?" she questioned while walking into the kitchen and putting the groceries on the countertop. Eli backed us up a bit as I answered,

"Um..I think a carton of ice cream would suffice for now.. I'm not sure if I can even hold anything down.." my words faltered at the end.

"Perfect! I got your favorite honey, mint chocolate chip and I made sure I bough two cartons just in case."

Eli chuckled as I responded, "Cece you didn't have to... you guys have already done so much. Plus all that food is going to go to waste once I go home and that's not fair to you at all."

"Oh, no no no. It's no problem at all sweetheart, I want you to feel at home."

As I went to respond Eli interjected, "Plus, the food won't go to waste. Mom Clare's parents are out of town."

"Eli!" I spat. _What is he thinking?_

"Oh. Then you are definitely staying here at _least_ one more night. Just so I can make sure you're alright?"

"But.." I was so shocked and swiftly turned to face him. _Why are they helping me after what I did..?_

"No buts Clare," Eli teased a pleading look on his face. I surely didn't want to go home.. but being a burden was not at the top of my list of things to do either.

"But," confusion was racing through my veins.

"Nope. Let's grab you your ice cream and go watch some t.v. We can work out the housing arrangements later, okay?" I nodded in response as he turned to the bags on the counter and thanked his Mom by placing a kiss on her cheek. He plucked two spoons from a drawer and led the way to the living room. I followed him but soon turned back and ran to gather Cece up in a hug. She was shocked at first but soon relaxed against my grip and patted my curls.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Anytime baby girl, anytime," she kissed my head and I soon broke the embrace. She smiled down at me as I turned around and came face to face with a smiling Eli. He stretched out his hand for me to grab and I happily laced our fingers together.


	3. Wanting

**Hey guys! Thank you SO much for the reviews! Whenever I get a review I swear, all I do is smile like an idiot. I get so happy, you guys feel free to criticize as well. I'm always open to suggestions! If there are any questions in a review I'll be answering them at the bottom of a chapter so you don't go on reading all confused So enjoy! Oh. One more thing. I've been thinking about POVs lately. I kind of want to try and write this chapter** **a little differently. So I'd love it if you guys could let me know which way you would prefer I write the story in! **

Eli and Clare were cuddled close together on his couch as he flipped through channels trying to entertain himself. Clare had fallen fast asleep close to an hour ago, which Eli didn't mind, but he was rather bored. He had his elbow propped up on the arm of the couch as Clare was sprawled out across his chest, slow breaths slipping from her lips. He didn't want to touch her much, fearing he'd cross the line, making her feel uncomfortable. That was the last thing he wanted. She had obviously been through enough last night, but Eli couldn't keep his heart from yearning out to push her curls out of her face. He calmly picked up his arm which had been resting on the top of the cushion above Clare's head and hovered his hand near her face. Cautiously, he brought his fingertips to the curls lounging near her cheeks and pushed them behind her ear. He tried his hardest to keep his gaze away from her face, her lips more importantly but he was failing miserably. His eyes wandered to the TV screen once more and he finally decided to all together just turn it off. With one swift motion he pressed the off button on the remote control and threw it to the chair that stood next to the couch. He sighed quietly, and decided he himself could use a nap. He let his head lull to the side but was overly unsure of where he should place his arms. _Do I hold her? Place them on her? What if she freaks out..? Ugh._ He thought to himself. He made a snap decision and brought his arms around the sleeping beauty on his chest and cuddled himself into her. _You'll regret this Eli. You know you will. All those months? You're putting them to waste. You were getting better. Happy almost. __**Without her**__. You're going to get attached._ _And when you do, it will all come spiraling downwards. And who will catch you this time? No one. Just like always._ The inner monologue was troubling him but the hand that was loosely placed on his chest gripped his shirt and Clare brought herself up higher, placing her head in the crook between Eli's neck and shoulder. He couldn't help it but a smirk soon appeared on his lips as he let his eyes drift down to the girl in his arms. He took a sharp intake of breath when he realized the enchanting blue orbs of the girl below him were staring straight into his.

"Sorry if I woke you..." his words lingered for a moment.

"You didn't," she yawned.

"Whatever you say," he smiled.

"Mhmm..." she cooed, snuggling closer into his chest.

"Go back to sleep Clare,"

"What if I'm not tired?" she mumbled into his neck.

"I can see that you are, but when we wake up you have to tell me."

His words frightened Clare immensely. She wanted to tell Eli. She really did. It was his reaction she wasn't ready for. His facial expressions would haunt her once she told him. She wasn't ready to hurt him again. She worried this news would pain him more than her rejection on April 22, or her rejection when he tried to win her back during the play. She had given him so many reasons to hate her, and here he was smiling down upon her taking her back into his heart. Opening every gate to welcome her in. She was scared. Horrified. She could never forgive herself if she hurt him again.

"W-what time is it?" she whispered.

"Almost six, why?"

"Eli. I can't tell you," she sat up pushing herself away from him, immediately missing his warmth.

"Yes you can. I'm not going to judge you or anything... I'm here for you. You can tell me anything Clare, I promise," he was rambling on about how he wouldn't judge her for what had happened but she couldn't take it anymore.

"That's not it," she stood up, "It will hurt you. I know you. You'll feel guilty that you couldn't stop it. You couldn't have been there to help me. It will keep you up at night. It will make you feel absolutely horrible. And I'm not going to ruin all the progress you have obviously made. You're happy. You're getting better. I saw your room, it was spotless. That's absolutely amazing Eli. But I cannot come in between you and your recovery with my stupid problems. So, no. I will not hurt you again. Never, ever again. I don't think I could handle hurting you on top of all of this. I've already hurt you so much, and I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry," she stopped for moment, oblivious to the fact she had used such vulgar language.

"Cla-" Eli began but he was soon cut off.

"No. Eli. Just _no._ You don't get it. I'm a horrible person. I drove you into rock bottom. I toyed with your emotions because I was scared. Of what even? I was stupid, I _am_ stupid. I hurt the one person I couldn't stand to be away from so much you couldn't even look at me. I saw the pain in your eyes, and I avoided it. Trying to make myself believe you were happy. But you weren't, because of me. I drove you into the arms of some lunatic girl who messed with your mind even more than I did. I manipulated you. I hurt you. So much. I'm horrible. You don't deserve to deal with my problems. To hear about them, I'm not your responsibility. I shouldn't even be here Eli. I'm just going to hurt you. That's all I'm capable of. Hurting people. Hurting _you. _You don't need me Eli. You really don't," she breathed. She was pacing the carpet while words scrambled from her mouth at a fast pace. Eli had began to make his way over to her, Clare not knowing he was in such a close range. "Eli. I love you. I really do. So when I say you don't need to know this, believe me. You do not need to know. No one does. We just have to pretend none of this ever happened, okay? None of this ever happened! I deserve this! I deserve pain. I deserve it. I do. I really do." Eli decided to grip her wrist at this moment bringing her to his chest. She gasped shocked at their proximity, and let the tears fall. "Don't. Don't look at me like that. You can do so much better than me, Eli. So much better," she cried as he cupped her face with his right hand. She could feel his nerves; aware of the fact his hand was shaking just the slightest bit.

"You didn't deserve it. You really didn't," he whispered, his breath tickling her lips, his nose brimming against her own.

"I did. Eli, I really did"

"No, no you didn't," he stared deeply into her eyes and she gulped as his lips brushed upon hers. Her tears still trickled from her eyes and at this moment Clare wasn't afraid for the first time in months. She knew what she wanted.

"Do you believe me Clare?" he breathed.

She stared into his eyes, looking for the truth. Seeking for the love she craved. The answers she wanted. And she found them. She found every last bit of everything she ever wanted.

"Yes."

And with her last whisper Eli brought their lips together.

**To answer a few questions from last chapter, Clare isn't afraid of Eli. She's afraid of her feelings for him, but other than that she's just scared in general. She's tired of getting hurt/ hurting people. She just wants to be happy. Sorry for the short chapter! I just want to get leverage before I start the drama and drop the bomb on Eli. Xoxox- Becky.**


	4. Control

Their lips moved together in sync, four months of longing poured into ever move. They both wanted this, but was it what they really needed? Eli brought his hands to rest on Clare's hips and she let out a whimper of desperation at his touch. Soon, she brought her hands to the back of his neck and let them maneuver their way through his hair, tugging slightly at the roots. Wanting to be as close as she could to Eli, Clare broke the kiss, planted her hands on Eli's shoulders and jumped up to wrap her legs around his waist. He soon got the hint and held her thighs tightly so she wouldn't fall, his skin electrifying to the moan she let out when he gripped tighter. She brought their lips together once more and let her fingers slip up the back of Eli's neck and into his hair.

_What are you doing Eli?_

_**Her touch just makes me crave more. **_

_She hasn't even told you what happened last night? Throwing your tongue down her throat won't solve any of her demons, or yours. You want closure remember?_ _Look at the big picture. Screw the little details._

_**But I want this detail so bad. **_

Once again Eli's internal bickering was making him feel edgy. And he wasn't the only one battling himself here in this moment. Not even close.

_Stop. Clare. STOP._ _You need to tell him. _

_**But his touch**_.

_You love him, don't do this to him. _

_**I do love him. I love him with everything I have. **_

_Then stop._

Clare soon opened her eyes aggravated with her own thoughts, only to be surprised with a very confused Eli staring right back. They soon pulled their lips apart just gazing into each others eyes, astonished with what they had just done. Eli's grip on Clare's thighs soon loosened as he let her feet hit the floor. He reached out to pull her to him but she backed away not wanting to give him the wrong impression. She loved him. She knew that. He knew that. But right now, she needed time to pick up the pieces of her life that had been shattered. Broken beyond belief. She needed to become herself again without Eli. And Eli needed to fully recover from whatever he was going through without her. Dependency on one another at this point in time was not an option for the two of them. They both needed to get better for themselves not their other half, and if more time apart was what they needed Clare was ready. She was ready for any curveball to be thrown her way, any problem to be created; she was willing to tackle anything and everything just to feel happy again.

"Did I do something wrong…." His words panged at her heart. She knew this would happen.

"N-No. You're perfect," she smiled, "It's me. I'm just. I can't do a relationship right now, Eli.." she looked up and into his eyes searching for the hatred she was waiting for. But there was nothing.

"That's okay with me. I want you to be happy and if you're not happy with me...then so be it,"

"No! See that! That right there is why I don't want to tell you what happened! You make everything you're fault or feel as if everything I want isn't you. I want you. I need you. But that's the problem. I need to not need you right now..if that makes any sense at all.."

"You want to be independent?" he questioned.

"Exactly. I need to learn to be alone before I can jump into a relationship with you again. And believe me I want to. So bad. But you," she pointed to him, "You need to finish getting better, "she pointed to herself now, "And me, I need to get better too."

Eli smirked and nodded his head in response to what she said, "I get it. Sorry for jumping to conclusions."

"It's fine, seriously. Do NOT over think Eli or I might have to knock some sense into you or something…" she mumbled.

"What was that? You? Knocking some sense into me? Nonsense!"

Clare giggled at Eli's wit and closed the space between them, bringing Eli into a tight hug.

"Thank you, Eli. For everything. I love you, you know."

"I love you too, and honestly it's my pleasure. But.."

"But you need to know what happened," she backed up out of their embrace, "I know, I know."

Eli nodded waiting for her to start explaining, but the words wouldn't come. She was struggling even thinking about what had occurred the night prier and all she wanted to do was cuddle up with her loving friend and sleep all her problems away. But, she couldn't and she wouldn't. It was a now or never situation and she knew what needed to be done.

"Um.. can we maybe go somewhere else…"

"Sure, what'd you have in mind? Upstairs.. a park? Take your pick, I'll go anywhere."

"Maybe..just a walk would suffice?"

"Alright, do you want to change? Or are you comfortable?"

"I'm fine in this," she looked down at her apparel, "I just need shoes…"

"Not a problem, you can borrow a pair of Cece's flip flops, so you stay here I'll just go talk to her, let her know where we're going, that jazz," he sighed.

"Okay, thanks Eli." She decided to sit on the couch to calm herself down. Clare was never one to get nervous over a simple task, such as taking a walk with someone but right now every nerve in her body felt like it was on fire. Her hands were shaking slightly and her thoughts were weighing her down. Why couldn't they just put this behind them? Why couldn't everything just be as easy as 1,2,3? Why couldn't she be happy? Did she not deserve it?

"Hey. Here," Eli stood in front of Clare his hand holding out a pair of flip flops for her to put on. Just like Clare, Eli's thoughts were jumbled and he was rather shaky at that moment in time. He didn't know how to handle a situation like this, should he keep his reactions to himself? Or let it all out in the open? He didn't want to upset her with a bad response to what she had to say but he didn't know if he could handle it. What if something extremely horrible happened?

"Thanks, um so let's go I guess," she stood up with a sigh, making her way over to the door.

"Hey," Eli extended his hand out to pull lightly on Clare's shoulder, "I promise I won't judge. I'll just listen. Tell me anything and everything and if you want to know what I think ask, okay? I won't run away, I won't look down upon you. I'm your rock remember?"

Clare smiled at Eli's thoughtfulness, and her nerves begun to settle down just a bit. She laced her fingers through his and nodded her head in agreement to what he had just said. The way he so concerned about her well being made her heart soar and a soon a flaming sensation sneaked upon her cheeks. Eli squeezed her hand signaling for her to walk through the now open door and she agreed, sauntering out into the cool summer breeze.

"Well, where do you want to walk to exactly?" Eli asked, curiosity peaking through his calm demeanor.

"My house? I kind of want to get a few things if that's okay?"

"Of course. How long are your parents away for anyways?"

"Three and a half more weeks, they only left last week."

"Are you serious?"

"Well, yeah. They didn't know this was going to happen to me. I didn't know. But they had this planned since the end of the school year, they trust me alone. I'm not going to ruin it by calling them and having them come home to comfort me, I'm a big girl."

"Yeah, you are. But.. I don't want you staying alone for that long.. after whatever happened last night.." Eli sighed, looking up into the sky. It was a little past eight and darkness was slowly creeping upon the city.

"Eli, if it makes you feel better I'll stay with you for a few more days, okay? But I'll eventually have to come back home. I have to throw a lot of stuff out…" her words drifted off as she turned to look at Eli whose expression was now extremely confused.

"Okay... care to explain?..."

"I'll just tell you everything now I guess," they turned a corner walking farther into town getting closer to Clare's home. Clare let out a lengthy sigh before she asked, "So where do you want me to start exactly?" Her heart was racing and she could feel here palm becoming slick with a thin layer of sweat.

"From the beginning preferably I suppose…"

"Hmm..well as you know I'm staying at home alone."

"Yeah?"

"Well Jake is staying at home alone as well," she gripped his hand tighter, "And I'm pretty sure you know we've been…well dating."

"Yup. I've known…but go on."

"Well yesterday was our four month anniversary. No parents. You know. We were 100 percent alone. No interruptions, no worries that our parents would catch us in..well in an uncompromising position…" she breathed out then in again, "You get where I'm going. Anyways, you know I'm not having sex until I'm getting married. Jake knew that too. And he honored that, he really did. Ever since our little sex talk a few months back he promised not to pressure me or anything. I trusted him Eli, I really did." She gulped having troubles wrapping her mind around what she was about to tell him. She looked up at Eli, noticing the anger slowly lurking on his face.

"What do you think happened, Eli?" She really wanted to know. The way his face contorted when she asked him what he thought made her realize he was truly thinking the worst.

"I can't say it," he growled.

"Okay…" she decided to continue, "Well..So we were um…making out and stuff, and he was getting a little too touchy... so I told him to stop." She took another long breath, bracing herself for Eli's emotions to erupt. "He wouldn't though...he pinned me to the bed after I hit him...and It was horrible," a single tear slipped down her cheek when her eyes came to meet Eli's. The memories were flooding her mind and she just wanted them to be gone. Erased forever and never able to re-enter her mind.

"Did he.." he began, but couldn't bring himself to say the word. The girl he loved with everything was put in such a unbelievable position because some jackass guy couldn't keep his word and go slow. Protect her vow. Honor her wishes.

"I'm pretty sure if I didn't kick him he would have. I honestly think.. that he..would have…um..have.."

"Don't say it," Eli spoke, frustration breaking through the features on his face.

"So…that's what happened," she broke the grasp on Eli's hand and brought her hand up to wipe away the tears that had fallen. Eli took this time to surprise Clare and pick her up and continue walking towards her house.

"Hey! Put me down!" she giggled slightly, the sadness slowly disappearing from her mind.

"Nope. I'm carrying you the rest of the way. May I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"If you ran away…why on earth did you go all the way to the church…?"

"I have my reasons, Goldsworthy," Clare smiled, sticking her tongue out in response.

"Are you still scared?"

"I don't think I won't be scared..until he's off to college Eli.."

"I'm going to kill him the next time I see him, how dare he push your limits, that asshole!" Eli's anger was getting the best of him and all of Clare's worries from before were creeping their way into her reality. Silence overtook them as they continued on their way to Clare's house. Eli could feel Clare's eyes piercing up to his face but he couldn't bring himself to look at her. He feared the wall he had built up would come crumbling down and he would lose it and right now he needed to keep it together- for Clare. She needed someone strong enough to take the information she had told him, and make everything better for her. She needed someone that could handle the situation maturely and not break down underneath all this pressure. And that person, in Eli's mind, would have to be him. She needed him and though not as a love interest at the moment, she needed him as a friend. So he would be just that. The strong willed friend that would help her pick up the pieces of her shattered life, and place them back together. As Eli had said to her many months ago, Eli was Clare's rock.


End file.
